We need to rethink our concept of honesty. That brand of truth that puts you in the line of fire with a friend who has the audacity to ask you-in the most earnest way- whether you like their new beau, latest hairstyle or their first ever screenplay.
The dangerous question always starts the same way. “Tell me honestly what you think about …. fill in the blank.
“If they have to say honestly,” said a friend of mine (who left unfinished the obvious) regard it as a red flag. Be warned that the worst thing you could ever offer up would be the truth. My wise friend once found herself in the trickiest of such circumstances when she was asked to evaluate a piece of artistic work. She found the effort so lacking in creativity that she was at a loss at how to respond to its creator. Clearly, full disclosure was not an option there. So, what followed was a flurry of diplomatic questions and encouragement – but never the honest-to-God truth. “I couldn’t be that cruel,” she said.
“Often, according to AI, “when people ask for an “honest opinion,” they are seeking validation or reassurance rather than objective criticism. While they may believe they want the truth, they are often hoping for confirmation that their decisions, appearance, or ideas are correct.”
Well said.
But that, of course, goes against our natural instinct to deliver honesty as the best policy, right? I have become reluctant to satisfy such inquiries myself because I do not want to fall out with anyone more than I normally would, given my direct personality. You would think I would have learned a thing or two from the reactions I have received in the past after engaging in a number of exchanges that resembled this one.
“Do I look good in this bathing suit?” A friend asked me.
“Do you want me to answer as a friend or tell you the truth?”
“I want the truth,” she gasped, indignant that I even had to ask.
Suffice to say, the ugly truth was exposed and, predictably, she was duly insulted.
That kind of reaction will make you gun shy in the future, won’t it? Even if you think you’ve already brokered a mutual understanding in advance of sensitive inquiries that promised to insulate you against any backslash. And so what choice are you left with in future but to endorse her sartorial choice and let her dress like a sausage?
Now, outright lies go against my nature, as I do believe that honesty is the smartest option but I am finding that most times what the great actor Jack Nicholson said in one of his film was spot on.
“You can’t handle the truth.”
Despite the risks, if you both choose to insist on full disclosure, then both parties (the asker and the asked) must be brave. When you ask for the truth, be prepared to get it. When you are asked to give the truth, be prepared for the repercussions. Not everyone deserves the truth, of course. Only your closest. Ironic, eh? And if it doesn’t coincide with your expectations, then learn from it, and thank the friend who took the risk and had enough courage to speak up. They may not be right, as tastes vary, but you can at least count on them to deliver what you asked from them. And you can trust them in the future. And BRAVO to you for having your own brand of courage.
It’s difficult to hear criticism. Both personally and professionally. But it has value. I learned this the hard way as a novice reporter. The lesson came the first few times that an editor handed me back my story – which I thought had been perfectly crafted – with corrections and suggestions. I was indignant. But, that was her/his job. In other words, what made me think I was so perfect? EGO?
After a while I came to really appreciate the group effort. Most of the time the work was made better by the extra helping hand. A second set of eyes as it were. That’s why there are “two” pilots in the cock pit. Or a surgical “team” in the OR. Nine judges sit on the Supreme Court for a reason, right? Going it alone is hard. And though asking for opinions is brave. Answering them is braver.
John Baldino when he wrote for FORBES Magazine had this to say about the need for honesty.
“In the novel, The Kite Runner, the author Khaled Hosseini, writes, “When you tell a lie, you steal someone else’s right to the truth.”
I had a lovely family friend who seemed to be immune to pain when being delivered unpleasant truths. I would hear him as a young man on the phone eagerly questioning the employer who had NOT hired him for his first job out of university. He never sounded defensive or impolite. Rather, he practically begged for the truth. “What made him unhirable?” He wanted to know? It was the first step in correcting the deficiency which would ultimately make him a better candidate next time around he thought. And it did. After ultimately winning two national journalism prizes it seems his quest for the truth had paid off.
Organizational Psychologist Adam Grant delivered a TED TALK about “why it is so soul crushing to receive criticism and whether we could actually learn to like it.”
Ego aside, to answer those questions more accurately, he spoke with Ray Dalio, founder of the successful hedge fund, Bridgewater Associates, where an open communication network and constant criticism are fundamental to its operation.
Grant: “It’s incredibly fun to think you can go around calling people assh…s and their default response is supposed to be, “tell me more.” Is that really how you want people to react to criticism?
Well, yeah, says Dalio.
Dalio: “I wanna put that on the table together and look at that because maybe I’m the one being a jerk or misunderstanding.”
Before this self effacing revelation, says Grant, Dalio “only listened to himself or people who constantly said YES.” But then he faced a huge business failure and that changed everything.
“I was, like, absolutely miserable,”said Dalio. “But it gave me the humility that I needed to deal with my audacity. It made me want to find the smartest people I could find who disagreed with me.”
And that’s what Dalio gets now. Even when HE-the boss- is the target of the criticism. As was the case after a speech he had given was reviewed by one company employee.
“Ray, you deserve a D-Minus for your performance today. You rambled for 50 minutes. It was obvious to all of us that you did not prepare at all,” wrote Jim Haskell.
“I sucked,” Dalio agreed. And that was confirmed by others he queried about his performance.
“I want Jim’s critiques because I might be inclined to ramble and not be prepared,” admitted Dalio.
Grant says Dalio believes this culture of “transparent feedback” is the primary reason his company is so successful. I get it. Nobody really welcomes negative feedback. But maybe, like Dalio, we should. We learn much more from criticism-even mistakes-than we ever do from flattery or success. Compliments may make you “feel” better, but they rarely inspire you to “be” better.
