WHY WHINING WORKS

This is a gentle argument in favor of whining. It may sound unattractive and it may be beneath you, but its effectiveness cannot be denied.

This revelation came to me after “whining” about my last birthday where barely anyone made a fuss. As a rule, I am the one traditionally doing all the fussing by alerting everyone within hearing distance that my birthday is just around the corner. Such behavior ensures two things: No one has any excuse for forgetting. And it’s great being feted. But last year I felt uncharacteristically conspicuous rallying the troops. So, I did nothing. And neither did anyone else. SHOCKING. But it

proved you really do need to ask for what you want in life.

“There is no technique in the psychological literature with more power to persuade than simply asking,” according to PSYCHOLOGY TODAY writer Thomas Hills. “Asking for what you want is highly correlated with getting it,” adds Hills.

Which is exactly what happened after sorrowful complaints about my “bad” birthday reached the ears of family and friends.  Though I expressed more sadness than actual whining- be assured – there was whining. But the result was awesome. A spectacular commitment by all to ensure a fabulous birthday. One that has lasted a whole week with proper celebratory acts, which included, but were not limited to, extravagant dinners, presents (why not?), visits from friends as far as 1300 miles away, lovely cards sent through the mail as well as postings on social media, wine delivered to my front door, and enough beautiful bouquets to decorate every room in the house. A birthday bonanza indeed.

Understandably, I am now emotionally exhausted, but filled with love and appreciation. And maybe just a wee bit embarrassed by my laser focus on self enjoyment. BUT, looking at this from a broader perspective it does make a case for being honest, vulnerable and asking for what you want in life. It’s like the lottery line,  “you can’t win if you don’t play.” It may seem a bit childish but what do you have to lose?

“It’s not childish at all,” says AI. “Wanting to share your birthday and celebrate with the people around you is a fun and happy way to feel special.”

AI offers more reasons why self celebration is such a good idea:

“You bring joy to your friends. You get great memories. People like having a reason to celebrate.”

Expressing needs or wants honestly is actually convenient too. There’s no mystery, no second guessing, no angst. Clarity has its own rewards. Think about when you have guests and you ask them:

“What would you like to do today?” And they say, “Whatever you want.”

Which now makes it my responsibility to not only house you but creatively entertain you as well. Help a sister out here. Tell me what you want. And if you really don’t care, then thank you for doing what I want, which may very well include power washing the deck, running domestic errands and helping to plant a garden. All of which have been done in the past by loving friends who are clearly kinder that I could ever hope to be. 

I did decide to ask birthday participants (after the fact) what they really thought of my insistence on being celebrated.

“You wanted attention.”

Attention I gasped. (Well, maybe. ) But really, just recognition. 

“Yes. Recognition. That’s a better word,” she said, adding,

“As we get older, celebrating milestones makes a difference. Time is precious and you want friends to celebrate {important occasions} with you just as you want to celebrate your friends’ birthdays {and such} with them.”  

The PROJECT HAPPINESS blog accepts that celebratory acts of any kind may seem, to some, an ‘ostentatious’ or ‘fluffy’ endeavor despite the fact that around the world there is a shared interest in celebrating by most societies.  

 “Of course everyone is free to live their life in a manner of their choosing,” according to PROJECT HAPPINESS, “but they would be missing out on a lot of life’s “goodies” by excluding themselves from participating in gatherings that pay homage to the important milestones in life.” 

And at the very least, recognizing important occasions breaks the monotony of routine lives. So, make time for them.

AI is clearly aligned with my ideology about being clear about one’s desires. It does not guarantee that you will receive what you ask for, but it certainly will give your dreams a fighting chance of becoming reality. 

“The best argument for asking for what you want, even if it sounds like whining, is that silence guarantees you will not get it while speaking up creates a chance for change. Other people cannot read your mind.”

Research has suggested that whining (complaining) exists when we feel change or solutions are impossible. In my case, I whined once and, POOF, happy changes followed. But if you find yourself constantly complaining about a problem it might be time to “man up” and solve the issue. 

To that point, PSYCHOLOGY TODAY found that even therapists are drawing the line at non-stop whiners. And, interestingly enough, some clients looking for real change are actually signing up for counselors who focus on “tough love” versus “the sympathetic ear” approach.

Elizabeth Bernstein wrote about this movement in the WALL STREET JOURNAL. 

“Sharon Rosenblatt was talking to her therapist fast and furiously about her dating life, when the woman suddenly interrupted her. “Haven’t we heard this before?” the therapist asked.

“Was Ms. Rosenblatt offended? Not at all. The 23-year-old, who works in business development for an information technology company, says she specifically sought out a tough-love therapist after graduating from college and moving to Silver Spring, Md.”

So, rest assured I shall never again complain about NOT enjoying my birthday. I’ll just keep on taking responsibility for its planning and throw the party myself!