READY TO RETIRE? Depends on what sex you are.

DOR – I am too young to retire according to a new NYTIMES article. WHAT???!!! Our society wants us to work until we drop dead. Yeah? No?

DAR – When my late husband, Michael, retired in his early 60’s so many people were aghast and asked him what he was ever going to do to fill his extra time. To which he answered, “Everything!” And he did. A trip to Florence to learn painting; A painful experiment with scary stocks; Voraciously rereading the classics and discovering books he had never read before; Moving house; And countries. The man was as unstoppable in retirement as he had been during his earning years. But with life expectancy increasing to 76 years of age (which still seems pretty young to me) you are right, many nations are considering increasing their retirement ages. I loved working. Both for the money, of course, but also for the intellectual and social opportunities it afforded. And I applaud an effort that sees older employees working longer because this new attitude deftly counteracts our youth driven culture ideal which undervalues we mature sorts.  But does that mean we work 50 years to rest for only 10? Seems out of balance to me. 

DOR – First off, Michael knew how to live like very few people I have ever known. He was a FORCE and just being in his orbit was a VIBE, as the kids say; uplifting and exhilarating! What might he say next?  And PLEASE, let him come sit by me at cocktail hour! What. A. Guy. Aghast friends who’ve learned I’ve chosen early retirement demand to know: What do you DO all day? To quote a dear friend – and Michael would have loved this, too – Honey, I do ME! 

DAR –And you are doing YOU so well, my friend. So was an old friend of mine until retirement completely changed her once happy life. Here we are on the first tee awaiting our 4th’s arrival. All of a sudden we see her hustling through the parking lot with a sullen look on her face and a man trailing closely behind her. It’s the husband. Who has just retired, she later told us. When he woke up that first morning of retirement, he smiled and said to her, “So, what are WE doing today?” What a question, I am sure she thought. There had been no “we” during the day for the last 3 decades. So that morning she looked at him incredulously and said, most definitively, “Well, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m playing golf.”He looked sad, she said..So that was how he ended up playing with us.

DOR – When I retired last year and joined my husband in post-work living, I soon realized one of the reasons our 30 year marriage had been so successful was because we were essentially having a long-distance relationship! To wit: I would leave the house Monday-Friday, drive long distances to work long hours, and we’d really only get to spend about 5 waking hours together every day. I barely knew the man! It was like dating, still. 

Dar – Sounds blissful.

Dor – Now that we’re together 24/7, it takes delicate negotiations to carve out ‘me time’ and ‘we time’ so that both are fulfilling and fun. While the Hubs is admirably busy all day and doesn’t necessarily look to me for entertainment, he looks to me for entertainment. 

DAR – Of course he does. You are hugely entertaining.

DOR – And, I’ve had to suppress my work self and realize at home, I am not the boss, even tho I am the boss. Are you following along? 

DAR – Perfectly. 

Although my husband was very busy in his short retirement, his post work behavior showed that he, too, must have thought I had been pining away for his new stay-at- home lifestyle. Normally I would get him breakfast, drive him to the ferry (we lived on an island) and then go play golf, come home to read, rest, tidy up, get future “we” plans sorted and arrange dinner. My life was full and filled with wondrous things which included, if time allowed, luxurious naps. Well, how was I going to continue on with that kind of schedule if he was going to be around watching me all day long and marching into the kitchen at lunchtime expecting, well, lunch? 

DOR – As you hilariously point out, being together 24-7 is no easy feat. And men and women are VERY different when it comes to unrestricted living. We can still be giddy gals and have spontaneous adventures. Men are definitely much more rigid, needing a plan, a map, a goal, an end-game. A sandwich! 

DAR – Clever girl. FORBES MAGAZINE has actually confirmed your findings with some of their own citing an MIT study which found that men used words like, “rest,” “relax” and “hobbies” when defining retirement. While women used phrases like “peace,” “freedom” and “time for me.” What’s more, the magazine said, “ While men often view retirement as a chance to finally spend time with their partner, women are more likely to have an established set of daily routines and a network of friends that fill their days with vital relationships, shared experiences, and smiles. Men are often better prepared financially for retirement, but women typically have a much more robust social portfolio in older age. Certainly many women cherish time to travel and to spend time with their significant other, but how much time may vary.” Well said, eh?’

DOR – Delicate. Negotiations. This retirement stuff is why it’s important to have a good match to begin with, always have honest conversations, and forgive what is shouted by a certain hot-blooded Sicilian (moi).

DAR – You needn’t identify yourself, darling. You are our only mighty Sicilian friend. But please go on with your advice to couples facing retirement.

DOR – Be dedicated to date night: Get dressed up and choose engaging topics of conversation ahead of time, to rekindle the cute and the clever over cocktails. And if all else fails, your girlfriends are always there for the rescue, providing a good ear, a stiff drink, uproarious laughter, and a place for that much-needed sandwich.