GOOD MANNERS MATTER

“Is this trash, madam,” queried the pleasant Bermuda Air flight attendant just before take off after spotting the bag of coffee and left over cheese scone on the empty seat next to me.

“Yes, it is trash,” I answered, grateful she was happy to whisk away the unwanted remnants of my breakfast despite being quite busy getting ready for the flight. Had I ordered what I had actually desired for my morning meal – a luscious chocolate monster muffin – she would have had very little to dispose of but I trust her helpful manner would have been evident in either case.

I had hesitated to wave her over earlier to clear away my debris as I have seen others do that on different flights and receive no response other than a curt one.

“ I will collect it after take off,” Madam.

You just don’t want to annoy airline personnel these days. They have enough to deal with, don’t they? What with passengers attempting to cram a house full of possessions into the overhead bins without a care about how you are going to manage to squeeze in your precious belongings. As well as the dramas involved in entitled passengers trying to renegotiate seat assignments or upgrade demands.  It’s a wonder fist fights aren’t breaking out all over the friendly skies. So, as airline personnel already have their hands full dealing with an unpredictable public and in some cases, drunk or belligerent ones, I try to limit any requests and am unerringly polite. 

But this morning’s interaction was so refreshingly friendly, and efficient that I wondered if the general crankiness I see around me had started to change. My optimism grew when the staff started to serve giant, warm chocolate chip cookies to us- for free. (How relieved was I that I had opted out of that monster muffin to leave room for this unexpected treat?) 

It is such a good way to begin each day. Politely, that is. Because it doesn’t take long for some situations to veer violently downhill if your baseline mood is already a grumpy one when crisis strikes.  

A point I should have considered as I was traveling on Interstate 95 in Florida one day and a car recklessly entered the highway and cut me off. He had no consideration that I was the one traveling at 70 mph and had to brake in the biggest way to accommodate his refusal to properly merge. A honk of the horn followed. An impolite but reasonable reaction, to be sure, but one that lowered an already deteriorating bar.

Bad move.

The maniacal driver, who clearly felt put out by being called out on his bad behavior, erupted into a classic road rager. He sped up -dangerously close – leaned hard out the window, started screaming unmentionable curse words all the while simultaneously flashing the middle fingers on both hands. It was a marvel of motoring expertise to operate a vehicle at such high speeds- hands free. But it did not distract me from the fury he was exhibiting. 

It reminded me how little provocation is required to drive some people to assault or even kill one another. His anger was palpable. Had I slaughtered his entire family with a taunting grin I might have understood his volatile reaction. But this was a minor mishap which should never have merited this kind of emotional free fall.

That said, I really should have known better, right? 

“What was I thinking,” I confessed to a friend later.

The whole episode shook me up so much I worried he might follow me home to beat me to a pulp for daring to be offended by his offensive behavior. He was in the wrong. But that doesn’t matter sometimes, does it? De-escalating the situation should have been my goal. Turning the other cheek, as they say. Simply not losing control and letting my emotions get the better of me. Remaining a good human being even in the face of abuse.

“Politeness is like an air-cushion—there may be nothing in it, but it wonderfully eases the joltings along the rough road of life,” said the well known pastor, H.W. Beecher.

Beecher is spot on. I have always admired both the English and American Southerners for their practice of politeness- genuine or not. They are civil to a fault. By not cutting the cue, for instance. Or being unfailingly civil even when they feel otherwise. Maintaining their standard of good conduct so that even when confronted with bad behavior the situation will not worsen. They are not wimps. They simply refuse to take the bait. It’s a safer and calmer way to live. 

“No, you go first,” 

Is what I now say to obviously impatient people behind me in the grocery store line. Some jump right ahead without nary an ounce of gratitude. Others recognize their unattractive behavior and either politely refuse the offer or sheepishly thank me. It is such a better way to be. The same goes for the driver who rides your bumper when you’re already going 80. I, begrudgingly, tend to move over now. It’s frustrating to let a bully win, but there are worse things. Like dying at their hands.

Since COVID I think people are just angrier, more selfish, less flexible and completely lacking in humanitarianism. Justification for that position is actually supported by the PEW RESEARCH CENTER which found the following:.

“Nearly half of U.S. adults (47%) say the way people behave in public these days is ruder than before the COVID pandemic,” according to the Center, which asked respondents about a lot of behaviors they found impolite.

“77% of adults say it’s rarely or never acceptable to smoke around other people.” And “Around two-thirds of adults or more say that it’s rarely or never acceptable to bring a child into a place that’s typically for adults, such as a bar or upscale restaurant.”

Interestingly, “Even as a sizable share of Americans say that people around them are behaving more rudely than in the past,” PEW found,” the vast majority of adults (84%) say it’s very or somewhat easy for them personally to know what’s appropriate to do in public these days.”  

But the statistics suggest that even though they know what’s appropriate, many people are still inappropriate. 

What about changing things up? Maybe the next time you’re driving, how about using your blinker, eh? When I leave Boston on Route 93 and am desperate just to get in any lane I hang out the window, waving frantically for permission to ease in front of the next driver. Funny thing, when asked, somebody usually lets me in. Or how about holding the door for someone instead of barreling through yourself. And please, think about getting off the phone and paying attention to the cashier taking your money and handing you your purchases. It’s just common courtesy. These are all little things, but it amounts to better behavior. Oh yes, and stop saying the F-Word IN PUBLIC whenever you freaking feel like it, okay? 

These incidents discussed here and many others still unmentioned remind me that our own behavior is the only behavior we can control. So, maybe we should try harder, eh? And maybe it can serve as a model for others? Very Ms. Pollyanna, I know. But I remember right after 9-11 there wasn’t an intersection I came to where every other driver at 4 stop signs wasn’t seen enthusiastically and genuinely signaling to one another while mouthing,

“ You go,” “No, you go.” “No, really, you go first.”

That considerate behavior only lasted about a week. But it did happen. And it was gorgeous!