THE F-YOU STAGE OF LIFE AWAITS YOU.

“Never be afraid to stop traffic” said the late style icon, Iris Apfel. 

Iris might have been referring to fashion, but I am certain she meant something more, as well. As in, taking the bull by the horns and living life unapologetically. I liken her phrase to one of my own-the “F-You stage of life.” Iris did it early. For others it might take longer.

Ralph Waldo Emerson’s position, on my indelicately phrased motto, shows he too knew exactly how hard it could be to live life on your own terms when he said, 

“To be yourself in a world that is always trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

I am delighted when I hear of a friend having entered the “F–You” universe. At some point we should all decide once and for all that we have the right to live exactly as we see fit. Even if it disappoints or surprises others. And it will. That’s the price you pay for freedom and change.

I have a wonderful friend whose many acts of kindness had been taken for granted by those close to her until she suddenly decided to stop being a proverbial “doormat” (her phrase, not mine). The reaction was one of betrayal. She now wasn’t there for them in the same way she had been before – as in, doing “all” the stuff.  Things change. So, adjust. Applaud her new found sense of self respect. And maybe take a look at why she felt inclined to pull back in the first place. Yeah, it was because of YOU. And how undervalued you made her feel. 

Another lovely, accomplished woman I know realized she had to change things in her own life when her dear husband retired but still expected her behavior to remain static. I.E. cooking, cleaning, grocerying, etc until she suggested that considering he was home ALL day now perhaps he could manage to make his own sandwich for lunch. Small thing, but potentially explosive if not handled with the aplomb she was noted for.

Certainly most of us cannot go full on HERMIT mode and live Walden-like in the forest to avoid our fellow man. And there are responsibilities we all have to shoulder, like paying taxes, keeping the kids alive and showing up for work. But at some point you might find that consciously finessing the trajectory of your life might create a vaster, simpler and richer existence for yourself. And that requires culling the crowd.

“I’m happy to just stay home alone,” a friend confessed when her evening was a choice between a dull dinner companion or a welcoming sofa and sexy box set on NETFLIX.

Georgina Fuller, who is a writer for the London newspaper, THE GUARDIAN, at some point decided she had to reduce the parameters of her life as well, which, hectically, included children, a husband, a job and many acquaintances.  

“It started with something of an online “cull” writers Fuller.  “The “friend” who always tried to make her life look like something out of a Boden catalogue with never-ending perfect images of her children along with the nauseating hashtag #blessed.”

And then she went down the list of contacts who, emulating Marie Kondo’s philosophy that if they didn’t “spark joy” or love (my suggestion) they must go.

“Unfollowing, unfriending and, in some cases, even blocking, made me feel calmer and more in control,” wrote Fuller. “It helped prevent FOPO – Fear of People’s Opinion – and quelled the anxiety I sometimes get after sharing something spontaneously on social media. So I began to do the same sort of thing IRL too.”

I have a family member who keeps threatening to run away to Montana. To be free of long term family responsibilities. Well, good for him. He has always been a fine and generous man. SO, GO! If not now, then when? I am sure it is guilt that prevents him from doing it right now.

There is actually a word for that: Atelophobia. Which is the psychological term used when describing people who have an obsessive fear of failure. Or, in less severe cases, and more importantly for my purposes, a fear of disappointing others by not being perfect. We all suffer from it from time to time, unless we are sociopaths-and who hasn’t met one of those?  Those kinds of people who just don’t feel bad when they should. But they are the minority. For the rest of us, Catholic guilt or just run of the mill guilt at not living up to the expectations of others is a universal ailment.  

Whether it’s fate or deliberate action that changes the course of your life, there are repercussions. Like getting promoted or moving into a bigger and better house. Those changes can rouse negative feelings amongst colleagues, friends and neighbors which, in turn, can make you and them feel bad. I knew someone who lost weight and a similarly plump friend got a little mad at her. Imagine, instead of saying, “Bravo”  she basically leveled an accusation at her.

“You weigh less than me now,” she barked. 

Or, take people who win the lottery. They inevitably find that their luck may result in the loss of some of their friends. I sympathize. It’s hard to be happy with your one week beach rental each summer when your newly rich friend actually buys the beach house of your dreams.  

Change is hard to accept. For many reasons. But is the alternative to, say, remain in an unhappy marriage, refuse a better job or live in a home or a size that dissatisfies you simply to ensure someone else’s happiness?

Of course not.

Again, there is a cost to change. Change begets more change, of course. In you. And in the way people see you. But as Confucius once said, “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.” So, if entering the F-You stage of life seems selfish, well, maybe it is – in the most clinical versus unkind way. And, those who can, will accept the change. Maybe even be inspired by it and applaud your personal evolution. But for those who are unsupportive of the “new you?” Well, let’s just recognize that -in Confucius speak-they must be very wise, or very stupid.