Grow A Thicker Skin

“You’re very direct, aren’t you? someone observed about me recently. I wasn’t sure if their’s was a legitimate question, or, criticism masked as inquiry. I mean it’s not the kind of question that, on its face, is categorically flattering, like, for example, “You’re very pretty, aren’t you? Or even better, “You’re so smart, eh?”  Nonetheless, considering he was spot on about my penchant for bluntness, I cheerily responded,

“Well, yes, I am. Why?” 

“It’s refreshing.”

Now wasn’t that a pleasant surprise. 

I am a big fan of forthrightness. There is something very clean, concise and pure about the practice. My father excelled at it. 

 “Poppy, do I look fat in this,” I asked him once.

He put his newspaper down, made a quick assessment of my attire and promptly answered.

“YES” 

I can’t remember exactly how I felt at that moment, but I am sure his remark stung. Upon reflection though I suppose I would not have asked him the question if I had not at least had some inkling that he might be right. I was not fat, in fact, but I happened to look fat in that outfit. Fair enough. His refusal to mince words was one of my favorite things about him. He was unafraid of confrontation, had courage and a brain that simply saw things as they were. A truth factory, of sorts.

But being plain spoken did not necessarily mean that he was unkind or mean spirited. In fact, according  to WIKIHOW

 “Blunt individuals are often seen as honest, confident, and assertive.”

Exactly.

“But their lack of filter can also come across as insensitive or rude.”

Well, there is that.

Dynamic democratic strategist, James Carville, appropriately named the Ragin Cajun has cornered the market on straightforward speech. He spoke at the Aspen Ideas Festival this summer and was charming, clever, eccentric and crystal clear about his opinions. Opinions which he shares bluntly and unapologetically. 

“I told him not to run,” he drawled to the crowd about a conversation he had had with President Joe Biden before announcing his reelection bid. Not an easy thing to say to the leader of the free world bent on serving again, I am sure.

Carville speaks in short, punchy, semi constructed, blunt sound bites.  He admonishes people who don’t. Those who are ineffective communicators because they are more consumed with political correctness than using a “language Americans can understand.” Not phrases like “communities of color,” for instance. To paraphrase, Carville questions the effectiveness of the person who walks into a troubled neighborhood and blithely asks the crowd, so,” how’s things going in your community of color?” Well, certainly nobody who has an accurate sense of what’s really happening there or who is searching for solutions.

Being too careful about speech stunts expressiveness and comprehension. “No one wants to live like this,” he complained to the NEW YORK TIMES writer, Maureen Dowd. ” Who ever thought it was a good idea to tell people you can’t hug them or ….. you’ve got to think about names to call them other than the name you know them by?” Says Carville. “There’s nothing wrong with me being white or you being white or them being Black or me being male or you being female. It’s a stupid argument,” said Carville.

I remember when I had a controversial, free wheeling, raucous radio talk show. Where my co anchor and I would stoke the fires of discontent to inflame our listeners to the extent that they were chomping at the bit to call into the show and engage in fiery exchanges with us. (Small bitter sweet tears expelled here) But it’s become too scary to embrace free speech these days. Say something someone doesn’t like-even in jest- and you are canceled or called “insulting” or provoke an anger unheard of ten years ago. I am severely reluctant to talk openly with people these days until I have already discerned their political, gender and ethnic persuasion. And even then you could still get it wrong. And that fear inhibits the free flow of conversation, doesn’t it? There is always someone, it seems, who is offended when you say anything. And I mean anything.

Take the term “Spotted Dick.” Sounds provocative, I know. But it’s actually a dessert dating back to 1849. Despite its tame definition, the fear of offense was so great in one English town that according  to WIKICOMMONS, the Flintshire County Council has seen fit to rename “Spotted Dick ” “Spotted Richard.” Really?  Where is the fun in that?  The authenticity? Can’t we all just start growing a thicker skin? Use our differences to open up new pathways of conversation?  Turn the other cheek, maybe? And stop being so bloody sensitive? 

Be bold. Be blunt. Take a chance and express your truth.  I know there are repercussions for honest dialogue. But it’s so much more interesting than the alternative.