Demanding Decorum

I hate noise. Extraneous human noise. And have been known to silence people who make too much of it. Upon reflection of the practice I decided to ask friends if they thought I was too demanding. I then thought better of it and decided to reserve their comments for the really big issues like – “Should I marry him? Retire to the country? Climb Everest?”  No, on all counts, by the way. And I have decided, after some research, that I am not demanding. In fact, I simply have standards. Sadly, not shared by the rest of the world.

Note this scenario. While I am trying to improve the condition of my least favorite body parts -feet and hands- (take your pick) – at my local nail salon the young woman next to me starts listening to something on her iPhone.

“Out loud?” you might gasp.

“Yes, out loud.”  

It was some comedic riff and although the volume, to be fair, was low, the signs in the shop explicitly stated to “Please silence your phones as a courtesy to our guests.” 

Who can’t see that sign? This kind of thing happens everywhere though, like in the “quiet car” of trains where there are always some passengers who clearly believe they are not subject to the same rules of civility that most everyone else complies with. They will get on their cell phones to conduct business and, in one case in particular, reveal to the listener (and all of us) that his company is about to be sold.

First of all, who wouldn’t have immediately called their broker? Those of us who believe that could be considered insider trading, of course. I wanted to call his boss. (I didn’t and promptly forgot the company’s name, if you were wondering). But it was shocking to hear him being so cavalier about company secrets.

I’ve suffered with chatterers in movie theaters as well who persist in banging on about the film we’d all love to watch in silence without their running commentary. Despite my irritation with them, I am too timid to rebuke any gang assembled in a dark, confined space because, well, they shoot people now don’t they? 

Back in the salon, I am feeling emboldened and motivated. The offending nail neighbor did not look dangerous and I was certain I could take her in a fair fight if it ever came to that. Also, I am sick of having to just accept someone else’s poor behavior. So, after a few minutes, where I struggled with the right approach (you never know who’s carrying these days) I simply leaned over and said to my her,

 “Do you have headphones?”

“What?” She answered, somewhat surprised, but really hoping, I think, that she had misheard.

So I repeated myself, slowly and politely.

“Do you have headphones?”

“Sorry,” she said. And immediately muted her phone. 

Well, that was unexpected. I had been prepared for some pushback, an angry scowl or even some cross words, but she had done the right thing. Still, although victorious,  I wondered why I had even been put in that position at all. Forced to remind someone that good manners make for a more civil society.

Sharing close quarters with other humans requires a certain amount of restraint. Sorry, but it does. Would you say something if social decorum were breached?

“Yes,” said a well traveled and very polite friend of mine.  Because if someone, for instance, does not obey the signage explaining good behavior, there are only two reasons, she explains: “They either can’t read or they don’t give a F**K. And it’s usually the later.”

Although she will avoid a confrontation if she can, because, she says, “Do I want to start something I cannot finish?” But adds, “We are losing those opportunities to give lessons. And it takes courage to speak up.”

So in the end, staying silent -although more comfortable -accomplishes very little.

Speaking of silence-and that is what I am advocating for here in some arenas- I am learning that the demand for decorum has gone international, according to one newspaper reporter.

“Imagine if your local hairdresser offered the option of, “a silent service,” writes Celia Walden in London’s DAILY TELEGRAPH. “If you could book a trim without the banal chit-chat, a blow-dry without the deluge of celebrity gossip or a short back and sides without the sharing of unasked-for political opinions.”

I was all a tingle, I can tell you, as soon as I read that.

Walden explains that this brilliant service is the brainchild of hairdresser Kati Hakomeri of Finland “who has introduced a “silent service” at no extra charge – and in an industry (and a world) filled with constant yapping, it’s no surprise that the option has had a huge take-up.”

Hakomeri told the Finnish newspaper Helsingin Sanomat, “I’m an introvert myself and I understand how uncomfortable it can be for a client to have to make small talk,” 

To which Walden responds, “what could be more appealing than the idea of a small-talk vacation, a prattle sabbatical?” A day less filled with other people’s noise. Ah, yes. It would be a gift, and I wish more people were more sensitive to the rules of civil behavior. Here I am shopping in a lovely store with my daughter in law when I hear a woman conducting a full blown conversation with someone on the other end of the phone line while she meanders from clothing rail to clothing rail.

As her voice fills the air around me I want to yell “Just stop it!” The same thing goes with folks in a grocery store who chatter away on their phones while the grocery store clerk adds up and bags all their purchases with nary a notice of the person serving them. It just seems  disrespectful.

Take the case of this posh boutique co owner who told me that she had one woman  – who was not actually buying anything – come into her store and sit on her boyfriend’s lap ( there was another chair available) and text while another friend shopped.

“Were  they brought up in a barn? “ I asked her and followed up with, “why didn’t you ask them to leave?” She wanted to, she said, but claimed that it’s just too scary to reprimand people these days. Political correctness and all. What’s more, “with online reviews, you’re afraid they’ll post something negative about you.”

But another friend makes a good point when she says, “Bad behavior becomes acceptable because no one challenges it.”

Quite.

“The standard you walk past is the standard you accept,” said Australian Army Chief Lt General David Morrison in a speech about aggression on females. But it applies to all kinds of bad behavior that we may witness but are not brave enough to confront.

With that in mind – like I need any encouragement – I spot a bit of improper behavior again as I look over at the woman in the next chair at our local hair salon speaking on her cell. She takes one look at me and next thing you know she has jumped up from the chair and dashed out onto the sidewalk. Mind you, she has black, goopy hair dye oozing down her face and is wearing an unflattering protective robe in full view of cars and pedestrians all along Main Street.

Wow! My reputation has clearly preceded me. But I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable. Like I am a politeness warden on patrol. I do have better things to do. But at this moment I am wondering if I have met a kindred spirit. 

“I hope you didn’t go outside because you thought I was irritated by your phone conversation,” I said as soon as she finished her phone call and returned to her chair. 

“No, no, I was talking to my daughter,” she said. “I always try to talk to the kids when they call.” Then added, by way of apology,  “I usually always use my earphones but forgot them today.” 

“You are so polite,” I told her.

“No, no,” she said.  “No one wants to hear about jury duty, “ she laughed.

“Oh, your daughter was on jury duty?” I asked.

“Yes, first time,” she said.

“Interesting case? I asked. 

“ A DUI – he started drinking Tito’s at 6:00 in the morning, he told the arresting officer, and then drove to work {drunk, just two hours later} at 8:00.” 

Aside from enjoying my new friend’s story, it was inspiring to meet someone who didn’t want to impose her conversation on others-even though it was entertaining. Who respected her surroundings and believed in dialing back the noise factor in public places. And she did it without even being asked to.