Filterless Friends

 “I hate your hair!” Honestly, those were the first words that came out of my good friend’s mouth upon seeing, for the very first time, my transformation from straight haired lass to a newly curled one. I had decided two weeks prior to get a perm (a la Glenn Close in FATAL ATTRACTION), thinking it was the ideal remedy-not for attempted murder-but for hassle free summer hair. Apparently not. Interestingly, my friend’s criticism was delivered in the most unlikely of places – church- where you might have expected a little Christian charity to exist.  We were together for another friend’s memorial service so maybe grief was clouding her judgment. Or, as she was sitting in God’s house perhaps she had suddenly remembered one of his commandments and simply could not tell a lie. I reread the Ten Commandments and, believe it or not, there is actually no mention of lying in that good book. But, there really should be. It was to George Washington and his cherry tree that the alleged quote about lying is attributed.

My friend did apologize later, acknowledging that she might have hurt my feelings. Might have? But then she just couldn’t help herself – the woman has no filters – and decided to add insult to injury by declaring, “ I never noticed your wrinkles before, but now you even have wrinkly hair.” 

Really?

You might be asking yourselves, if I have friends like this, what do my enemies look like? But her truth is her truth. And it made me take a little look in the mirror and wonder if perhaps it was time to have a some “work” done.

“Absolutely not,” exclaimed a different friend. “Everybody just starts looking alike when they do.” She then added the reminder that aging is a natural process which we are wiser to accept than deny. I don’t want to be 20 again. I know too much.  Which is not to say that 20 does not have its appeal, but it’s not the truth. And hating what we become as we get older diminishes who we are in our eyes and everybody else’s. If we don’t respect the reality of what we are, why should anyone else? I sometimes feel that there is a vast segment of our population who values youth so much they would fancy mass annihilation of anyone over 50. Well, too bad. We’re not accepting the stupid premise that if you are not age perfect you are unworthy of admiration or respect or a wonderful, fun filled, sexy life.

On the subject of unfiltered friends, I must say, I do like having them as much as I like having my polite ones. I didn’t see malice in my friend’s words about my hair. She just calls it like she sees it. Because of that she’s the one who would have the courage to tell me if a husband was cheating. Or send me to the doctor if she saw a suspicious mole. These kinds of people offer up a different perspective from our own, which I find refreshing. Loving sometimes too. I have another unfiltered friend who remarked after my husband died, “I know you miss Michael, but at least I get to see you more now.” Maybe I need to raise my standards, but her words did not hurt. She wanted me to know that she was just happy to spend more time with me, regardless of the sad circumstances that enabled that. 

As I am always in search of a happy ending – it’s in my nature – I wound up my evening with my critical friend quite neatly. After I had recovered from her negative evaluation of my appearance from the neck up-hair included- I then asked her, “Well, how does the rest of me look?” “FABULOUS!” she answered enthusiastically. “But, I still hate your hair.”

You gotta laugh.