First off, I know I was wrong. So, no chastisement needed. I’ve undertaken that sorrowful task all by myself. The thing is everything could have ended up so differently-better, I mean- if only my words had been taken in the spirit in which they were intended. Or, in fact, if I had never uttered them at all, which is, of course, one of the more salient points of this essay. The choice between speaking your mind or remaining quiet. Anathema to me, but a practice worth considering going forward.
The game changer here was that the receiver of my wisdom was not a friend but a total stranger. An unknown quantity. And I clearly underestimated the longevity of our initial, playful exchange.
It all started innocently enough, as they say, while I ascended the staircase at a posh private club followed closely by a man.
“Don’t worry. I am not stalking you,“ he promised.
Confident that he was telling the truth I did not worry and was appreciative of his sense of humor so after a few steps I noticed how well dressed he was. With the exception of his footwear.
“Are you wearing sneakers?” I asked.
I understand that sneakers are all the rage these days and personal fashion taste is just that, personal. But the combination of his smart suit, dressed down with sneakers seemed incongruous.
But instead of just playing along and perhaps recognizing the disparity between the look of his smart blazer and the plain footwear he brusquely informed me about the cost of said apparel.
“These are $600.00 sneakers,” he indignantly hissed at me.
How does one even respond to that? I thought. “Well, money must assure good taste, mustn’t it, my good fellow?” I thought, but did not utter. Note, I had not consumed enough Chardonnay to be unaware of my social faux pas.
Nonetheless I actually attempted a verbal Hail Mary of sorts by continuing the conversation even though it was clearly going south. I didn’t really believe he could take offense at such a simple sartorial suggestion.
“You would look better in shoes,” I told him. “Drivers,” I offered with a smile.
Now, I wasn’t advising a career change, criticizing his financial investments or calling his wife ugly. I was just…well, you get what I was doing. Not minding my own business. Making idle chatter. Offering an unsolicited opinion. It was a frivolous remark which ignited an unfortunate firestorm of reaction.
“I know how to dress, madam,” he spit out. “I have hundreds of loafers,” he added.
“Then why aren’t you wearing any of them?” I wanted to ask. But didn’t, dear reader, because I had regained my senses. But not the power of speech it seems and neglected to seek forgiveness.
Sneaker Man then brusquely gestured for me to precede him up the staircase, putting as much distance between us as he could. As I had committed the social error I insisted that he go first, hoping he would interpret my behavior as a form of deference and perhaps even as an apology. Instead, he refused my offer, and briskly stomped down the stairs despite the fact that his room was clearly in the other direction.
It certainly wasn’t my intent to make the poor chap angry. Nor did I aim to insult him. But clearly I did. If there was any silver lining here it was a new found reminder to keep my many meandering thoughts to myself in future. Which is a shame, as, even though I had a friend who once (unflatteringly) described me as “a woman who has never had un spoken thought” I always assumed that was a good thing.
This experience has made me ponder how I would have felt if the roles had been reversed. If he had said to me, for instance, “Interesting tiara?” Or, “Funny Hat.” Or, “where are you going, looking like that?” I’d like to think I would have laughed?
I don’t know if I would have necessarily been insulted, but maybe I underestimate my good nature and confidence. It’s the delivery rather than the comment itself sometimes, right? And if you say something in good fun you’d think it might be taken that way.
Now you might wonder why I fixated on the man’s sneakers at all. It may well have been the result of a conversation I had had just minutes before meeting him when a dining partner expressed general disappointment at the state of casual dress in America. How restaurant goers wear flip flops now, or baseball caps or any other, fundamentally, casual attire to an upscale establishment. That extends to folks on planes who fly in a sports bra or butt exposing sweats. Is that the best outfit they could come up with when they opened their closet that morning? I have often wondered. Did they admire that lavender latex ensemble and think,
“Yep, that’s the ticket!”
In fact, The New York Times seemed to agree with my assessment in a recent article.
“Sometimes airports look more like giant sleepover parties than transportation hubs.”
My age may also be the reason I am so resistant to dressing down, according to THE TIMES
“Those in the baby boomer generation see it as an erosion of public standards.”
I consulted AI and found many reactions consistent with my own, especially on the subject of sneakers as de rigueur fashion statements.
“Critics of the trend of wearing sneakers with every outfit—from suits to dresses—argue that it often results in a “frumpy” or unpolished look, signals a lack of effort, and ignores proper fashion etiquette for formal or professional settings. While proponents praise the comfort and versatility, detractors believe this “default” style compromises personal style and fails to honor specific occasions.”
Notwithstanding my inappropriate behavior, I do think Sneaker Man was a bit sensitive and might have overreacted. But people are explosive these days. Easily bruised. Self righteous. The time has probably come for me to think more and say less. I mean I don’t even discuss politics with people these days unless I am fairly certain on which side of the political divide they fall. And maybe criticizing one’s fashion choices is akin to discussing their bodies. Perhaps it should be verboten. But I do think he could have maintained a better sense of humor about it all.
On the subject of humor and lighthearted banter THE SPECTATOR MAGAZINE wrote that instead of humor being funny business these days
“Humor has become serious business. America is suffering from what the comedian Norm Macdonald called a “crisis of clapter.” Terrified of saying the wrong thing, – what was once the funniest place on Earth has become a tight-lipped, tongue-twisted society where jokes are rewarded with polite applause instead of genuine laughter. It’s the old stink of a well-mannered aristocracy, and very un-American indeed,” said the magazine.
If there’s a lesson here – and I believe there is- it is multi faceted. First off, dress to impress. And if not that, then dress to express yourself. And finally, do what your mother always taught you and DON’T talk to strangers.
Burning Daylight 