Are You Listening?

“I really don’t like talking on the phone,” I admitted to a new friend who was -curiously enough- talking to me ON THE PHONE. 

“It’s such an intimate way of communicating,” I further explained, saying that I preferred using the phone, not for the purposes of elongated conversations, but as a means to an end. Specifically, to make a plan to chat in person. My NEW (but not yet intimate) friend completely agreed. And then despite that revelation said the most remarkable thing: “So, I’ll call you tomorrow.” 

What part of “I don’t like to talk on the phone” had gone unheard?

Another friend described a conversation that her friend was having with an acquaintance who happened to be in town for a visit and wanted to add this woman to her travel itinerary. The conversation went something like this:

INTRUDER: Hi, I am nearby and would love to see you.

RELUCTANT ONE: Oh, I am really busy this weekend.

INTRUDER: Right. I’m only here for one day and thought we could just meet for a quick drink?

RELUCTANT ONE: Um, I don’t have a lot of time and I’m so exhausted from work and I have to get on a train to see an elderly relative, so going out will probably not work for me.

INTRUDER: Okay. So I’ll just come over. 

Honestly, how do you miss the message here?  My recent foray into AI offers a reasonable explanation. 

ChatGPT: “Understanding subtlety often requires careful attention to nuance, context, and unspoken cues, which can be challenging for some people.” 

Which suggests that a less subtle approach is required for those with hearing and comprehension problems. In other words, speak to them in a language they understand. A new and improved example:

INTRUDER: So, I’ll just come over.

RELUCTANT ONE: NO. 

It’ll stop them in their tracks. That’s right. Just say NO. That one little word has enormous power. It’s a full sentence, isn’t it? A complete thought. And comprehensible in almost any language, leaving no room for ambiguity or discussion. So why don’t we use it more often when it is exactly what we want to say? 

ChatGPT: We’ve “been conditioned over years-sometimes decades- to believe that it’s better to accommodate others than to stand up for ourselves.”

I get that! Even I was guilty of putting my phone partner’s desire to chat above my disinterest in doing so. Because saying NO can be hard.

Nicola Moore understood that reluctance when she wrote on LINKEDIN about the word NO while working in the Middle East as a specialist in ethical medical practices.

“I always found it baffling how some people cannot say the word No,” she said and quoted an Arabic publication which tried to address her confusion. “No,” while, in Western culture, is seen as a major stress reliever, is seen, by Arabs, as rude and of poor taste in a person’s character.” 

But I think the discomfort of hearing NO is more universal than that. Although perceived as rude sometimes, being direct is an excellent skill to develop. The more you try it the more comfortable you’ll become with it and your life will be easier because of it. Even though that might mean forgoing conventional politeness (maybe cowardice?) for the purpose of clarity. If you don’t protect yourself, who will? Certainly not my fellow airline passenger who had his eye on my very comfortable window seat before we took off on a 3 hour flight.

THE DREAMER: “You wouldn’t mind if we traded seats so I could sit next to my wife, would you?” 

A little presumptuous of him, eh? How would he know what I minded? But having encountered all sorts of behavior on airplanes before, I decided to play along to see how this scenario would unfold.

ME: “Where is your seat?” I asked pleasantly.

THE DREAMER: “Back there,” he quickly replied, fanning his hand in a vague, non-specific way to any of the two dozen seats behind us.

ME:  “A window then?” I asked in a tone that expected a fair trade. 

THE DREAMER: “The middle actually,” he admitted with a level of enthusiasm that somehow suggested that he thought that maybe I thought that this could somehow be a good thing. You’ve got to applaud the guy’s approach. Speaking loudly enough so other passengers would hear the exchange and perhaps fault me for not complying with this fellow’s assumption that “I wouldn’t mind giving up my good seat for his bad one.

ME: “I don’t think so,” I unashamedly replied.

After he walked back to his seat I looked at his wife and apologized. A little.

“No need,” she said. “ Who wants a middle seat?” she quite rightly responded. 

It did feel a little mean saying NO to her husband. Nobody likes to deliberately disappoint anyone. But if someone has the gumption to request something that any reasonable person might consider unpleasant, then you’ve got the right to protect yourself and say NO. Again and again. Until someone hears it. Unlike this very jovial man who had a penchant for off color banter and was a perfect example of someone who simply did not listen.

PETTY PERVERT: “I’ve got a great joke for you,” he said. “It’s a bit dirty,” he added with a twinkle in his eye, but no understanding in his head of his intended audience.

AN UNAMUSED ME: “No thanks,” I said.

PETTY PERVERT: “Ah, come on,” he implored. “It’s funny,” he added yet again.

Two more requests followed. Both were denied. Then I had to walk away. Again, here I was disappointing yet another fella. It will not be a trend, I promise you. In my defense,  I’m not opposed to a little “sex talk” amongst adults. But I prefer it to be with the person I’m actually having sex with. 

ChatGPT: “It takes courage to value your own needs, and time, enough to say “no” without feeling the need to justify or explain it,” said my AI Assistant. “Recognizing that your own well being is worth prioritizing can be a powerful, self affirming act.”

Quite. Although saying NO might not always yield the results you want, chances are that, more times than not, it will.